TV Teaches

Heather Marie and I got to spend a relatively nice, quiet day together, mostly just watching whatever was on TV that happened to catch our eye. As a result, we've been talking about the lessons that TV (and to a lesser extent movies) teaches us about life in TV land:

1. If you have sex, you will get pregnant. It doesn't matter if it's only once, with the pill, plus an IUD, plus a diaphram, plus spermicide, plus a condom, at the wrong time of the cycle, and after a vasectomy, you WILL conceive, especially if you're not married...
2. ...UNLESS you really, desperately want to have a child, in which case all the powers on the face of the Earth will be inadequate to render you fertile!
3. If you ever tell someone you love what they mean to you in heartachingly tender words during a deep, soul-searching conversation romantic moment, one of you will die almost immediately.
4. If a bunch of guys are together in a dangerous situation (war, disaster, hunted by serial killer, etc), and one of them pulls out a picture of "his girl" and starts talking about their plans for a life together "when this is all over," stay away from him! He's wearing a red shirt while beaming down with Kirk and McCoy! Standing near him will be like holding a lightning rod in a thunderstorm.
5. Any degree, quantity, or combination of harmful, potentially-criminal misdemeanors will be forgiven with absolutely no punishment provided you can make everything ok in the end through a series of highly improbable schemes and plans. In fact, you will probably be hailed as a hero for correcting all the damage (even though you caused it to begin with).
   

I'm sure there are a ton of others that she and I have formulated over the years -- after all, we have seen a ton of movies together -- but these particular lessons were reinforced by today's programming.

Class dismissed.